Today's news headlines

OAKVILLE, ON: The Ford Motor Company of Canada has decided to honour the late Mayor of Toronto.  A new SUV for the 2017 model year will be called the Rob Ford.  The vehicle will have alignment that pulls to the right with steering and transmission that often acts erratically.  Special style features include a blonde vinyl roof and muffler shaped like a crack pipe.

MONTPELIER, VT: Senator and Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is getting some recognition in his home state.  The Governor announced today that Sanders is being made an honourary colonel of the state’s national guard.  The Governor proudly said “Now Kentucky won’t be the only state with a Colonel Sanders.”

OTTAWA: Canada’s National War Memorial in the centre of the city will be closed for seven weeks of maintenance starting this week.  Improvements being made to the important monument include adding the dates of the 1997 “Turbot War” in which Canada waged a high seas standoff with Spain about overfishing of turbot off the Newfoundland coast.  Prime Minister Trudeau is promising to appear for numerous selfies and make many vacuous statements at the unveiling of the new monument.

QUEBEC CITY: Premier Philippe Couillard is stepping down and making a major career change.  After years of people thinking he is really country music performer Kenny Rogers, Couillard has decided to become a tribute artist and perform Rogers songs.  Couillard plans to make his performance debut this summer on stage with Dolly Parton while she tours Quebec.  Locations on the tour include Saint-Tite and Deux Montagnes.

WILMINGTON, DELAWARE: DuPont Chemical is suing Republican Presidential candidates Donald Trump and Ted Cruz.  The chemical giant is seeking $10 billion from each candidate, alleging they have both used DuPont products without permission.  DuPont alleges that Cruz’s face uses illegally obtained plastic resins and that Trump’s hair actually is a stolen experimental textile the company was working on.

NEW YORK: The CBS Television Network is changing the name of one of its longest-running, most popular news and public affairs programs.  Starting in September 2016, 60 Minutes, which has been running since 1968, will become known as 42 minutes.  CBS spokesman Vapido Crapola says that because commercials now compose about 18 minutes of the average hour of television, the network felt it was lying to viewers by making them think the program actually contained 60 minutes of content.  Staff plan to re-adjust the stopwatch that appears throughout the program.  Longtime correspondent Morley Safer is apparently not impressed.